Lately, I can’t stop listening to the Beatles’ Hey Jude song. Especially the lyric …
“Take a sad song and make it better.”
Last night, I watched dozens of Hey Jude you tube videos, including the original Beatles video, several solo performances by Paul McCartney and even more covers by other groups and people.
I almost cry with this song. In fact, I almost cry when any sentimental song comes up on the play list.
I would qualify my current life as a sad song. So much deep depression that I can’t seem to shake. Feelings and beliefs of worthlessness and inadequacy that span my waking moments. It is overwhelming.
An episode occurred last week that has certainly derailed things for me. I had spent the last 4½ months hoping, wishing, praying that a certain event would take place by December 31. Unfortunately it didn’t take place.
As simple as giving 4½ month request to have your oldest adult son move out of the house into his own apartment has been reduced to a heap of wounded spirits and emotions, hatred and regrets. It feels like a tree chipper has shredded my soul.
It is a sad song. My feelings of worthlessness, despair, lack of skill and ability as a parent and a human being has reduce me to tears at the slightest tender or sentimental song.
(Good grief. I’m a fifty five year old man. I should have my shit together my now.)
Before this emotional meltdown, sleepless nights and inner turmoil sparked by last week’s event, I had taken some measure to make my sad song better :
- Enrolled in a credited web development class at Indiana University Purdue University Indianapolis (IUPUI) which starts today (1/8/2018).
- Continued with a painting project and hung some finished paintings in the house
- Bought a treadmill to restart a long defunct walking/running program
- Started a ‘learn to draw” self-education program in spite of my religious sensibilities and what others say is bad and sinful.
Friday night was the worst night in this recent series of sad days with movement toward an outcome that wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone.
I survived those bleak hours. Now, I’m trying to make my sad song better. Hopefully the above list will make the sadness better.
On a slightly humorous note …
I wanted to hang my latest painting in the basement ‘work out’ room. Yet, the angle of the basement stairs, the height of the hallway above the stairs, the dimensions of the painting (8′ x 6′) wouldn’t allow for it.
I found that kind of funny for some reason.